My ref: £262.05 you’re going to take from my account without my permission.

Section Manager
Home Insurance
l

Dear – your name escapes me.
I’ve looked all over these documents and in the book but there’s not a name anywhere. Uh uh – maybe you’re a computer.

Please tell me you’re not a computer. I hate talking to computers. They don’t listen. I suppose it’s even worse writing to computers. If you are a computer just leave this letter on your keyboard and someone might see it and deal with it. Or maybe not, as the case may be.

I’ve just had a dreadful thought. If you’re a computer you might be called Dell. Now a computer’s bad. Dell-boy’s worse. But a computer called Dell … I’ve no chance.

Anyway – what I’m trying to say is … you’ve given me a home insurance policy for the next 12 months – and your letter says I agreed to an automatic renewal – for this year – next year – and ever and a day. Rubbish! I’ve agreed to no such thing. I haven’t agreed for you to insure me this year or next year. So cancel this policy. Pronto. And cancel next year’s policy before you think about it.

You sent me a letter about a fortnight ago, saying my insurance was due. But I ignored it because it was too dear. I get lots of letters telling me what I need, but I ignore them. But they don’t send me things, like specs and hearing aids and starving children and things. They ignore me back. And that’s what I want you to do. Ignore me.

I’ve taken out next years cover with E-sure. They are £120 cheaper than you. That’s a lot of money when you’re not flush. And I’m not flush. And whisky’s expensive. But if you take 262 quid off me I’ll be £140 down on the deal. So don’t do it.

But before you start ignoring me I want you to write to me again. And I want you to put in writing that you have not taken £262 out of my account. And also put in writing that you will never take money out of my account without my express permission. And assure me that you won’t do anything that I haven’t asked you to do.

Don’t phone – write. I get lots of phone calls too. They’re mostly trying to sell me stuff. I don’t know what they’re trying to sell me ‘cos it’s all in Pidgin. But I don’t buy it anyway. But they never send things I didn’t ask for. You seem to be the only one who does that. I mean – giving me something before I say I want it. It’s not bad if it’s a free gift. But £262 going in the wrong direction …

Anyway, when you write to say that you won’t take £262 without my express permission – get someone to sign it. There must be someone in there with a name. They’ll do. But not Dell. I don’t want to sound name-ist but I don’t want Dell to sign it. Know what I mean?

Lubley jubley